ALEX FLORSCHUTZ’S BIRTH WITH JUDE Told to Pat Bennaceur on Saturday 19th July 2003
Judes’s birth Bagus present and midwife
My son Jude Anex Agoung Florschutz has both our surnames and was born on the 15th January 2000 at 4.27 am.
So from the beginning... I was living in Bali and had a lovely house in the middle of the rice fields and met this gorgeous man. We were playing the game of love and he was desperate to marry me and have children with me. Part of me really liked the idea but it also terrified me, it felt too early. I didn’t feel old enough for children. I still felt like a child myself. Then one night he pushed his luck a bit, I said you shouldn’t have done that and he said let the gods decide and something felt really right about that. At other times I might have taken the morning after pill although it is not really available in Bali but I thought that one doesn’t always get pregnant and I would let my fate decide it. But I knew from that moment that I was going to be pregnant and 2 days after my period didn’t come I did a home test that was positive. I cried a bit out of both fear and amazement at the hugeness of what it actually meant.
Then I had a lab test and it was negative so I was thinking: “they are wrong, I know I am pregnant” and I was walking back along the little path thru the rice fields and I thought this is a test: “How do I really feel about this, what do I want?” I actually realised I felt disappointed that it was negative. “Oh my God that means I will have to be a mother!” A week later I did another lab test that was positive and I remember walking back again through the rice fields and crying out in immense joy to be pregnant, although part of me was still quite scared of the implications and the responsibilities I had always been a free agent and felt worried about how it would work out with the complications of a foreign husband.
Living in Bali before that happened I was particularly taken with the way they treat children. It is so positive and loving, they sleep with them, breast feed them until whenever and they are always carrying the child. So being pregnant is a joy for them, it is what they aspire to. So for me, being pregnant there, I was really revered and everyone is really happy for you and it is a wonderful experience to be surrounded by such positive energy. You could be pregnant and rejoice in it without feeling that people would tell you their birth horror stories. Bagus, my husband, told me about how he was born at home and they bathed him in this big leaf, put water in a flower petal, a little ceremony and all really lovely. Yes, birth is natural, joyous, easy, no problem.
So at 6 months, after getting married, visas, legalising work permits and all the rest of it we came back to England. The pregnancy had been fine, no sickness, a bit tired but really, really easy. I had immediately stopped drinking and smoking and coffee, anything bad, I tried to live healthily, because I felt that anything bad: what I ate, saw, drank, where I went, would affect my child that was growing and I also believed that it was a child from the beginning, that it doesn’t just become a child when you give birth. It is a divine being and I respect it. I started reading psychology books about birth, spiritual stuff around birth and my baby was on this path journeying down from the spiritual realms, I was giving it a house for 9 months and showing it a way in this life and I was really, really happy.
As soon as I came back to UK I registered with a GP, midwife etc, it all felt very serious and that I had to find out which hospital I was going to have it in and all that needed to be checked out and because I had a negative blood group it felt even more serious and better to have your baby in the hospital in case of complications and things going wrong. I felt a bit cheated and let down and that no one understood, it didn’t seem right to me. In Bali I guess I was in lala land and it was all very normal but in England it all felt so serious. I felt something wasn’t right so when I came across Karel Ironside’s active birth classes I found that a huge support. You sit and introduce when your baby is going to be born and where you are going to have it and she prompts certain questions and makes you think, then you do yoga and have a cup of tea. I met all these people saying I want my baby at home and a water birth and there was this one woman sitting cross legged and saying “I was by the fire and I gave birth” and I thought I wish I could do that but she is an earth mother which I never considered myself. I was a drinking, smoking party animal, I didn’t do earth mother but I felt it was natural!
Over the next few weeks I got into that mode and realised that I could do it that way too. Being in Brighton they are very open to alternative ways of doing things and my midwife respected my wishes and was quite supportive. The more I started researching things the stronger I became in my beliefs and wishes and maintained that it was going to be natural.
Later I also met Pat Bennaceur via Karel Ironside and a conference Binnie Dansby ran in Brighton. I felt there was definitely something that Pat could help me address - certain fears that were present, looking at how my mother gave birth to me, the messages she gave me about birth and that to my mother birth had seemed quite hard and terrible. I knew I was left to cry the whole night, and she was left on the bed alone and then she was operated on. Now having given birth myself, I realise that it must have been hugely traumatic for her but when you are growing up you feel like it is your fault. After talking to her again about it and getting the facts, I realised she had done quite well, giving birth naturally without drugs or medication. OK she was in hospital but she did well and I was fine.
I also addressed my fear of giving birth in hospital and was quite worried about the possibility of having a C-section. I did look around the hospital just in case. Bagus was happy and excited that he was having a baby but didn’t join in the couples classes and I felt very much alone. I realise that it was partly how I wanted it because I was very focused and inward. It became a real meditation for me and I wasn’t too bothered because at the end of the day it was me who was giving birth. I knew he was happy and I said that if he wanted to be at the birth he could but if he didn’t that was fine by me but it was his choice and not me pressurising him. I didn’t want him to feel tense, nervous or giving his opinions on things because I knew that would affect me.
Having decided I wanted a water birth, I got it organised and spent as much time in the pool as I could. I was also very lucky because I didn’t have to work during my pregnancy although I was painting and did an art exhibition in Bali, I also got married and helped my husband get work and was having to support him so it was quite stressful. The stress factor was the most significant aspect during that time, and if I was doing it again I would stay in one place and not move but life can be like that! The only physical ailment I had was a bit of back trouble around 6 months and towards the end. I loved being pregnant. and feeling him kicking around and I knew it was a boy.
The only medical intervention I had during my pregnancy was two scans which now I know what I know, I would choose not to do. The first one was at 8 weeks and then when I came back at about 28 weeks. That was when they told me that possibly one of Jude’s kidney’s was quite small and that could be a problem when he was born and they wanted me to have another scan to check on it and that he may need antibiotics when he was born. Luckily at this time I was reading about the effects of scans and the possible detrimental effects of them so I chose not to have the 3rd one which upset the doctors and midwives. However, I spoke to a natural doctor who was a neurologist and reassured me. But if you don’t inform yourself you just go along with what you are told and I think informing myself was my one of my biggest achievements during pregnancy.
My due date was the Thursday 13th so 4.27 on Friday 14th labour started, I woke up went in the bathroom wiped myself and there was loads of blood and I went into shock. I thought this is not a very good start if I am going to be panicking at the first sign of anything especially since I had been in the pool, meditating, doing lots of preparation beforehand. So I told myself to calm down and rang the hospital and they reassured me that it was just a show and it was normal to have a significant show of blood. They suggested I go back to bed and have a paracetemol! It went on all day like that, I was having contractions every 5 minutes and I hoped it would come soon and be very easy. I was very much in my own world, pottering around and Bagus ironically, had a friend to stay and I said: “Look if I go into labour you are just going to have to muck in”. But they kept each other company and took the pressure off me. The contractions were significant and I needed to breathe but there was nothing to it and I went for walks and went with it and did some drawing and lay down and relaxed and enjoyed it actually. The midwife came back early evening and I was 2cm dilated and she said ring me later. Later Karel came round because she was perhaps going to be my birth partner and I had met some of the midwives so I knew who to expect although there was one I had not met and that was who it turned out to be.
I was very much on my own which was very nice and I really did enjoy it - it wasn’t scary although I was a bit impatient although they said you’ll know when it is established labour.
It got to about 12 at night on the Friday night and I was in bed and decided that it was much more and the contractions were significantly stronger but nothing I couldn’t cope with and I just breathed into it. Rang the hospital and they could tell I was in established labour and eventually the midwife came around about 1am and I was 8cm dilated and that was OK, I then went into the pool and lollopped around. I also videoed the time in the pool and the funny thing that struck me from about 1am until Jude was born at 4.30am was that it was very quiet. I was in the sitting room with candles and then nearer the action just a little light in the corner and Bagus just popped up and down to be with me and with his friend. My sister was hovering downstairs and popped up looking rather terrified occasionally and I think my parents were somewhere or on their way.
I was in the pool, really in my own world but I hadn’t got very organised I hadn’t got any of the stuff out and was saying things like “Oh yes it’s in the bottom drawer”, and then breathing thru a contraction! The midwife was the one I didn’t know so there was no space to get self conscious or embarrassed. She was just this person who came and did what was needed, she was very respectful and followed my birth plan and was very softly spoken. She whispered and the whole thing was very very quiet - absolutely quiet, dim light, no fuss and then the last 2 hours was when the contractions really kicked in and there was a couple or one especially when I thought “If it gets more than this it is going to be a bit tricky” but I could still cope, although I was quite tired and slumped over the edge of the pool saying that I just wanted to sleep.
The last bit was when the waters broke. I remember saying to Jude: “Come on love lets get you born!” and suddenly he went shooting down the birth canal a bit and my waters broke and they tested it for meconium because his heartbeat had gone up a bit. The midwife was suggesting that if we didn’t get him born soon we might have to be transferred to hospital. But I think I was so focused internally that it didn’t really bother me or scare me, I just knew I was going to do it. The last 15 mins I found the pushing a bit hard and there was possibly a bit of resistance. I felt my whole insides were going to come out and if anyone had told me not to push I would have told them where to go!
I remember the midwife was not around much, she was quietly bustling around and I heard whisperings to my sister or mum, then the other midwife came but she stayed out of the room too. Then they suggested that I get out of the tub to speed things up a bit. Maybe they thought I was too relaxed and they didn’t want anything to happen at that point so I got out of the pool and by this time I think Bagus had come up and I was hanging on to him and couldn’t get comfortable. He was absolutely perfect. He was just how I wanted him to be. I couldn’t have explained how I wanted him to be if I tried but her was there if I wanted him and backed off if I didn’t. I was the earth mother and he was there and I was totally focused and he supported me, there was some intuition there and he knew just exactly what do and then I remember I got the stool from the pool and was doing leapfrogs! The two midwives were there and Bagus was saying “I can see his head! I can see his head! Go on son, go on”. I was saying you just have to help me now and the midwives were saying I will talk you through it. They were saying hold it, hold it, breathe in again, go with your contraction, then 4 major pushes in which I felt I gathered all my might, I really went into it, and I felt like I was going to split up the middle. It was amazing and I could feel his head coming out, it was going to come out, and Bagus was cheering me on and saying “I can see his face”, and as soon as his head come out that was that! I was blown away and amazed by the most incredible experience I have ever had in my whole life, joyous and amazing. Even to this day I when I think about I cry out of joy because I didn’t have any drugs and can remember every detail and I was with my son and we gave birth together!
I didn’t have any tearing or stretch marks because I put cream on, and also copper ointment put on the stomach helps stretching and can also be massaged into the perineum 6 weeks prior to birth. I didn’t vaccinate afterwards either.
They took him for a minute maybe two because Jude was sleepy. hey had to clear something out of his throat a bit because he didn’t start breathing for about a minute or so but he was still safe. The cord was still connected, they didn’t clamp it or anything and they gave him back to me and I held him and he slept for about 40 minutes. The placenta came out after about 10 or 15 minutes but they then took some blood from it to see what his blood type was.
After about 40 minutes he woke up and latched on straight away. I just lay there until about 6.30 in the morning and the lights were still very dim, Bagus was there, my sister, my mum and dad and I couldn’t even cry. I was too tired to do even that, all I could do was look at this amazing child that really felt like a miracle. I really felt overwhelmed and blown away by the sanctity of birth. That’s why I say I am blessed that I have had that experience and was able to do it naturally and holistically.
My advice to pregnant women would be: Everything matters. Everything we do matters. Read the right books, inform yourself, look on the websites for alternative and holistic information. I would say if possible give up work as early as you can or change your circumstances to reduce stress financially so you can bring your children up in the beginning and I believe the first 3 years are so important and the child needs the mother. If they come journey down with you for 9 months, they pass through the gate at birth, they are still going to be attached to you for some time thereafter and that thread should be broken step by step, slowly and gently otherwise it can be traumatic. Eat healthily, don’t drink or smoke obviously. Treat yourself naturally with medicines if at all possible. Exercise definitely helps so I suggest yoga or swimming. I also really believe that some form of communication with someone, counselling, birth preparation or whatever, where you can get in touch with yourself, any unresolved issues, mother issues, any fears around the birth itself. It is vital to talk these out beforehand and try and find some solutions or resolutions or transformation. I think that what really helped me was talking to Pat and Karel. With Karel it was like a group therapy although that was unspoken but it gives a chance to air your thoughts and feelings along the way. So that you don’t feel alone i.e. if you have an ache or pain you can express it and there would be someone who could give you a suggestion or holistic answer. Get back to nature because giving birth is the ultimate act of nature, the most significant thing that ever happens in a lifetime or that someone can do, so it needs some kind of focus and preparation, care and love, attention, education, enlightenment and I just felt really lucky that I had time on my hands to look inward, meditate, relax etc. Get in tune with the process and follow its stages. I think that helps towards a conscious birth.
A friend sent me something to read about and indigenous people who believe that when a woman is in labour she goes off to the garden of souls and collects her child and brings it back and that had a profound effect on me.
Alex this is the point that I would probably end the story for the website but you may want to keep the rest for your own information.
Unfortunately during the first 3 weeks I got mastitis because I didn’t rest and look after myself. I notice friends who given birth and sleep a lot and get help from their partners deal with it better. For the first 3 days I didn’t sleep a wink because I couldn’t and I kept wanting to check that he was still breathing and looking at him and thinking he was so amazing. I slept with him right from the beginning. I couldn’t detach myself from him because |I think having carried him for 9 months it would be impossible to send him off into another bed and not be near him. He was a very peaceful baby, really quiet, rarely cried, just snuggled into me really. I suppose I was like the Balinese, I held him all the time and if he started to whimper or cry, I just picked him up and held him. I also always spoke to him, right from conception, told him stories and what was going on and how much I loved him. And from when he was born, where we were going, who we were meeting and treated him like a human being and that is probably why now he has such good communication even though he tests the boundaries and he tells me things and is very advanced in his abilities to express himself to me.
Next time I wouldn’t bother to have the internals - I had 2 or 3 I suppose. If you do the heel prick test, you can tell if the blood clots and they are fine and if it doesn’t well you may need to figure something out but if in doubt you can give them a spoon of organic carrot juice which is apparently 5 times stronger so you don’t have to give them a synthetic product. I believe anything except breast milk is a pollutant to a new born baby and also what I eat as a mother directly affects the baby. Jude never had colic, nappy rash, skin problems. The midwives couldn’t believe how big he was growing and how fast and how healthy and strong he was.
Afterwards midwives and doctors were a bit critical of the way I wanted to do things such as the vaccinations. And when I had mastitis they wanted to give me antibiotics so I chose natural remedies instead. I chose Echinacea injections and it was gone in a few hours. I had been brought up holistically anyway, so always had natural medicines, and wasn’t vaccinated so I trust natural remedies more so than otherwise but I am not so closed that if a serious situation arose then I would do what I had to do.
The sleeping thing was hardest to sort out. He would go to sleep easily but he would wake up easily and I could never put him in his own bed until recently and he is now over 3 but I also believe that children do things at the time that they are ready. I don’t believe in pushing them into something that they will do naturally and if I push them it will make more resistance and stress. So I try and go with the flow and try and listen to him as well because I always believe that children tell you what they want and because of how in tune I was during the pregnancy and birth so that intuition continued, so we could communicate with each other, always knew exactly what he wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it so there wasn’t this need for crying and stress and angst.
How do you think this has affected your life now looking back over the last 3 or 4 years? It has definitely been very grounding for me because it is a huge responsibility because we are really forming the next generation of this world and I suppose coming from a background of Steiner philosophy and having gone to a Steiner school myself which is geared very much towards children and the natural rhythms of life and educating the child within that flow and respecting birth and doing things naturally.
I took it very seriously I think I respected Jude enough to change myself for the better because of it and it makes you lose that selfishness you have when you don’t have children, the hedonistic lifestyle but that you are responsible for something much greater than just yourself. I’m, not suggesting that you have to be a martyr or a slave to your child, but you do have to make changes so for example you may have to make a sacrifice i.e. I didn’t drink even when I was breastfeeding. I left Bagus when Jude was 8 or 9 months but I felt he needed a solid foundation because of what had happened so hard as it was I tried to maintain a strict rhythm not in an inflexible way but maintaining a rhythm so that he could feel security even if it meant not always doing what I wanted. I still question the whole idea of flying with a very young child, people say it is not good and I probably agree with that even though I did. In one sense Jude is half Indonesian, half Balinese and it is great for him to know his other half and I went with him when he was 4 and half months and it was fine but I don’t really know what that has done to him. It is a long flight. If you think from a spiritual point of view and I don’t do all these other things then that is not a very good idea either, nevertheless I did it and it is something that I might think about next time. Maybe not fly when I am pregnant or maybe leave it till the first year. It would be a big sacrifice but at the same point something I would thing about.
I found Bagus 99% supportive of the whole birth process and never gave me any trouble. He was stricter with me in the early days and the Balinese have their own things that you should and shouldn’t do. For example they think you shouldn’t eat pineapple because it is considered to have abortive tendencies and because they drive on mopeds everywhere they say be careful because it is bumpy and not to drink tea or coffee and even when I drank Coca Cola a Balinese person came up to me and said that I shouldn’t drink it because it was very bad for me! Having his support was definitely a help. If he had been anti home birth and pro vaccination I would have found that even harder and more stressful but he made all that easy.
I think I was very relaxed in my labour because I was left alone and I knew it was only me who could give birth so if I was comfortable with myself and the process then I didn’t really need anyone else so then I could relax because I trusted myself. The necessary people could come at the crucial times to assist but that was only because of the preparation. I am sure I wouldn’t have been like that if I hadn’t done those last 2 or 3 months preparation which gave me the sense of confidence in myself. It was down to me and I was happy with that and I was happy to have the baby at home. That was the natural place to have my baby not in hospital i.e. there is nothing wrong with me, I wasn’t sick. I know the hospital serves its purpose if something happens then you are very grateful for what they do. But if you have your choice having your baby at home seems that it should be the first choice, the natural way and place to have it and then if necessary you can go to hospital. The last hour or two when I was giving birth was a very messy experience, I was naked and lots of mess and poo and I think if I had been in hospital and there were male doctors around or people I didn’t know, I would have tensed up. Because I was on my own and just one nice mumsy midwife there that I didn’t really know, there was nothing to make me feel nervous or embarrassed. I was in my own surrounding that were familiar. That made me feel relaxed just being in my own home, with my things around. Definitely preparing. Having times I used to lie listening to relaxation tapes such as Binnie Dansby’s Having a Baby is the Most Natural thing in the World that was really lovely and it gave me specific times when I would drift off and dream and fantasise. I had quite a few meetings with Jude beforehand. When I was about 2 months pregnant or so I had a vivid dream, a vision that is not really a dream but is a dream and I saw this little boy of about 2 or 3 years old standing with a sword or stick. Just standing. That’s why right at the beginning I was not sure if it was a girl or not because I had seen this little one with long brown hair but when I went back to Bali last year, halfway thru my stay, Jude’s hair got to that length and suddenly I looked at him one day and it was the look and my dream and I have a photo of it and the expression was my dream. I found it quite strange that I had seen him exactly the way he looked like.
A few times when I was in a deep relaxation he would come out and smile at me in a light form. He was always smiling. That was the thing I remembered most that he was always smiling and he seemed reassuring, encouraging and he seemed really happy. And one time when I was with Pat and I was doing some breathwork and in a deep relaxation and I went a bit numb and I sort of lost my hearing and I went back into a void or vacuum with ringing in my ears and I had my eyes closed. Suddenly my whole head lit up and light went streaming from the top of my head as if it opened up and Jude came out in a lotus flower, smiling again and that was it, odd but powerful.
Getting the head out was the hardest part and one or two contractions that were a bit strong. I thought if it gets any worse than this then I am in trouble. I found the pushing a funny feeling but luckily it wasn’t; very long. From when they did an internal and I was 8cm dilated to giving birth was 2 - 3 hours. The last hour, I got out of the pool, walked around and she did another internal again and she was very gentle and not too intrusive and I didn’t mind too much and I was lying on the couch and the contraction started and that was pretty painful and I wondered how people give birth on their back and it felt totally not right. I would recommend not lying down at that stage. I found that 4 pushes when I was getting the head out was quite painful and I felt I was going to split up the middle. I suppose it is a real feeling like you are splitting open and giving birth to life. The last 10 or 15 minutes were hard. I gathered all my might and it was all OK but it was very intense and I had to be extremely focused. If I had been on any kind of drug I don’t think I would have been so focused. I was there. They talked me thru it and told me when to hold the breath and breathe and when to push. They were helpful and I found it a support and I wasn’t going to give up then.
The best part was when the head came out and Bagus saying “I can see his head, I can see his head” and it was really exciting and I thought “Oh my God there is a real baby in there, I am in for it now, there is no going back, it wasn’t pretend!” As I was beginning to push then Bagus could see the black of his hair and then when his head was coming out he could see his face and he was so excited and I remember thinking it’s a real baby coming out oh shit! That was really WOW! Otherwise it was nice lolloping around in the pool and breathing and trotting around going “I am in labour” and other people saying “so why are you walking around?” and I was saying “oh because it is so easy!”
I did do well, very well but I believe it was because I prepared myself and believed from the very first that it was a natural thing but I had to confirm it. I didn’t take anything for granted. Also my parents being natural and holistic and I could trust them on advice and medical advice although having said that my father was horrified when I said I was going to have him at home and he thought it was a bit dangerous and was I really sure. But I decided not to let that stop me.
My main thoughts overall now are that it is not just about the birth, it from conception, your first hurdle is the birth and it is every milestone thereafter. Birth is not the final achievement but rather that is when it really begins. Nowadays we have to be so much more awake, opened and informed and empowered as women because we are controlled by really negative forces at this time whether it is thru the medical profession. Even the organic food industry is a con, there is still a side of it worth doing but you have to check every ingredient and check every label because there may be only one organic ingredient in it and therefore if it is baked beans or something it is still a processed food. Remember you are what you eat and if you feed your child and baby on natural, living things that haven’t been tampered with, pesticides, and chemical that are genetically modified then that is good. Another issue is that everyone has jumped on the bandwagon of carrying a baby in a sling which is not very good for them. New-born babies with their legs dangling and tiny babies should not be carried upright anyway. We all have to think for ourselves and question everything and not just accept what we are told. We are being brainwashed all the time. We have to be aware of not just following the herd.
And remember to laugh as much as possible. There needs to be more maternal support in general.
To My Dear JUDE This I Pledge to You
May my heart be forever open And never disappointed. May my ears always listen Not to my own words. May my eyes see beyond your disguises Never accepting face value. May I speak kind words of comfort So you can sing again. May my shoulder be there in times of need To keep you strong. May my hand lead you on life’s bright path And show you the cave of jewels. May you then believe in life’s rich treasures As you my darling are my dear treasure.
May my feet stay firmly on the ground But our spirits soar higher than rainbows. May my opinions be unjudgemental And rejoice in your every idea. May my advice be unbiased and objective And my hopes kept to myself. May I always support your endeavours As we journey through life together. May I never hold you prisoner But my trust set you free. May you show me once more the magic of childhood Now lost in the shadows of time. May I show you happiness in sadness May you believe in my everlasting love for you.
